Let's talk about Gay Marriage.

Hey there, Internet.
First, I'd like to apologize for not updating in months and months. My life has been crazy busy with school and finals and everything, but I'm happy to say that it is officially summer, and I am officially off duty.
Maybe it's not the best topic to start back up with, but it's something I really care about, so we're going to talk about gay marriage and the bible.

I'm going to preface this by saying, straight up, that I don't intend to offend anyone. I am sharing my views because they are important to me, and because I feel like I really have something to say. Of course, lots of you are probably going to disagree with me. But I'd just like to ask you to please realize that I am allowing you to share your opinion, and it would only be fair of you to let me share mine.
Alrighty then.
I was raised Catholic, and I still practice the religion today. I identify as heterosexual. For the sake of not causing a huge controversy, I will not identify with any specific political party. Why, after all, should we have to identify with one party? I love God, and I feel like He and I have a good relationship. That's part of the reason I feel like I can talk about this.
Here's how I feel:
First, I appreciate the bible and many of the messages that it puts forward. I like the stories it tells us about loving each other and about treating your fellow man with respect. While I've never been a huge fan of Hell, (though, who can say that he is?) I still wholeheartedly believe in God. This blog post is not about why I choose to believe in God or how wrong I am or whatever. We're not talking about that. Just accept it as a given.
That being said, I also love the gays. I believe that gay people are God's children, too, and that He loves them.
I found a series of videos on YouTube about how God hates the gays. Here's the first video in the series:

There are five other videos that follow this: Part 1b, Part 2a, Part 2b, and Part 3.
I don't know about you, but being shouted at and insulted does not make me want to be better pals with our friend Jesus. "Obey Jesus. You're going to Hell."
Alright then.

One of the many things that bothers me about these videos, particularly the first guy, is the fact that he says only a certain number (24,000 or 240,000 or something) of people are allowed into Heaven by God, all chosen from certain tribes. Why, then, do these people want to spread God's word and try to convince people to believe in God? Wouldn't recruiting more people to try out for Team Jesus just lessen their chances of making the team? It really doesn't make sense to me. If you understand this logic, leave a comment.
The second thing happens in the first video at 1:49. "They deserve death, according to God."
What, what, WHAT.
I was raised to believe in a God who loved me and my friends and even my enemies. I learned that, even when I really hate someone, God loves that person, so I should try to forgive him and be closer to God. So, it's really unsettling that these people think they can just say "God hates you, you dirty bastard," and get away with it. I don't believe that anyone on Earth is born deserving to die. I think that there are criminals who do absolutely atrocious things that earn them a fate worse than death. But, even if humans deem them unfit and undeserving of life, God might forgive them. So, I'm not for the death penalty because I think that killing people who kill people to illustrate that killing people is wrong is a stupid, stupid thing.

So, this is the part of the show where I talk about the Bible.
One of the big arguments against gay marriage is that, in the Bible, God says that homosexuality is an abomination. I'm not going to rifle through my book and try to find that part, but I did at one point, and I know that it says something like that, sort of. But, the Bible also says a lot of other things about marriage. This is an image that you may have seen before. I'm not an avid studier of scripture, but this is what I've seen and heard from other people who have in a slightly comical and overexplained way.



So, if we accept the Bible's rules of marriage, this all should be cool, right?
All I'm saying is the Bible was written a long, long time ago. There are parts of it that we (or, at least, some people) reject anyway, like not eating pork and other foods because of illnesses. That's cool. I don't think it makes me less of a christian to say that there are parts of the Bible that I disagree with. I read books all the time that have parts in them that I am not a fan of. I just say, "Yeah, that part wasn't my favorite," and move on.
I'm not going to say any more about that.

The final point I'd like to make is about "Praying the Gay Away." There are testimonies of people all over the world who are classified as Ex-Gays. I totally understand the view that people hold stating that marriage should be between a man and a woman. I get that. Both of my parents firmly hold that view. But, I don't agree with it.
Here's a gem that I stumbled upon by accident. It made me sick, but I also wanted to laugh.
                          
"Homosexual 'married' couples can now demand to be able to adopt children the same as heterosexual couples." GOD HAVE MERCY.

This video made me actually sad. It's a testimony from a woman who was born a lesbian. She says she was gay for 14 years and wanted to leave that lifestyle behind, and she advocates for God as the ONLY way to overcome homosexuality. Of course, if homosexuality is a choice, that would be stupid wouldn't it?

Overall, I really don't think that someone's gay is something that is worth getting over. Of course, there are people who will dislike everyone for something. There are people who hate people who are blonde, people who hate fat people, and people who hate black people, yellow people, red people, and white people. Everybody seems to hate someone. Why should people have to look for a cure to something that makes a person who she is?

In conclusion, I love you, Gays. I believe that homosexuality is something that has always been around and always will continue to be around. My parents always told me that people weren't gay when they were kids, but that's because it wasn't accepted at all. Of course no one would let slip that he was gay. That would lead to even more severe punishments and criticism that is usually dealt out today. It would be like saying that there were no eating disorders when my parents were kids. Of course there were! But no one said anything about it because everyone was embarrassed.

Even if you hate me now and decide never to come back and read any of my blogs again, I forgive you and I love you because that is what God tells us to do. I don't think we should have to choose between loving God and loving people. God made people. God created every single person in His own image, and, as my momma used to tell me when I was a girl, God doesn't make mistakes.

A bedtime story

Tonight is a Friday night. You are probably out partying with your friends or hanging out at home with your cats. You've had a long day, and it's time to go to sleep. It's time for a bedtime story.

It's called William Wobbles McGreet & His Ten Bowls of Wheat.

William Wobbles McGreet measured 3.4 feet, and yet he felt strong and tall and not at all small, his confidence you could not beat. Young William McGreet would every day eat ten bowlfuls of shredded, dry wheat and he felt that this habit was the reason, dangnabit, for his confident view of himself.

At breakfast the table, with Will very able, three bowls of the wheat were expertly arranged. Though clearly deranged, his father would muse, Will ate fast with his hands, no spoon would he use, till the bowls were as clean as shined shoes. His sister Rebecca, who lived in Tribeca, would visit from school every now and again and she’d watch all agape like a shocked and stunned ape at her dear younger brother consume one bowl then another of dry-as-a-bone, tasty-as-Styrofoam grated, minced, chopped, destroyed shredded wheat.

“I love this!” Will cried, very most satisfied, as he wiped his mouth clean with his sleeve. “I can’t wait till lunch when I’ll stuff me a bunch of this joyous wheat stuff down my throat,” Will did gloat. “And for dinner,” he said with a tilt of his head, “I’ll have three more big bowls of it, and I’ll sleep through the night ‘cause my tummy’s just right and I’ll wake the next day oh-so-ready to say, “Mommie, I’ll have me some yum-yum good wheat!”

Mrs. Greta McGreet turned white as a sheet as she went through the grocery bills. “Four hundred dollars just on shredded wheat?! For the love of Sweet Pete, what are we to do with this Will wackadoo?” she asked of her husband, whose name was Ballou.

“What harm can it do?” asked kind sir Ballou. “It’s healthy, and though we’re not wealthy, we can afford to keep the wheat business in business ‘cause he doesn’t like truffles or potato-chip ruffles, he hates filet mignon and detests Grey Poupon, New England clam chowder and milk chocolate powder he turns up his nose to it all; so let him have this, yes, it goes on for days but it’s surely a faze, these silly displays are just part of plain growing up.”  

But this went on for months, this consistent exhibit till one day it all stopped at once. William’s Mommie had read in Mommie Magazine that abnormal behavior that goes on too long should be looked at and poked at and thought of and taught of and stifled and stopped, if you please, then and there.       

So, in the midst of his play, his Mommie one day decided to say, “Now Willy McGreet, I don’t think it’s sweet to eat shredded wheat ten times every day without one drop of milk.” She threw all the wheat out and, boy, did he pout and he stomped his feet hard on the ground.

“Fine, be that way,” was all Will could say, “if milk’s what you think I should drink then I’ll drink ten bowls of that like a cat till I’m fittingly fat and my skin turns as white as a bunny. Laugh, I don’t care if you think that it’s funny, I’ll drink nothing but milk from now on!”

Good night, Internet.  

A Boob Rant.

You know what's a drag? Boobs.
If you have had boobs at some point in your life, including at this moment, you know what I'm talking about whether you know it or not. Yes, gentlemen. I recognize that they are nice to look at, but it is another thing entirely to have them attached to your front all the time. Men may decide to avert their eyes.
For example, I dare anyone on the Internet to try to eat a crumbly pastry, piece of bread, or, God forbid, one of those crumbly granola bars, you know that it is impossible to keep yourself looking dignified and free of crumbs. It is impossible. The only real preventative measures possible are either sticking your neck out two feet beyond your chest (similar to eating on all fours like a dog) and tucking a super hip-looking napkin in your shirt.

(p.s., I found like 10 different pictures of Drake when I looked up "napkin tucked in shirt." Who knows why.)

Reason number two to resent your ladies is something I call This-Shirt-Almost-Fits syndrome. Symptoms of this unfortunate ailment include finding a shirt that fits beautifully and flatters your figure, except for your boobs. One of the worst situations is with button-up shirts. Since one has to button them up from the bottom, so as to not screw up the order of the buttons, one can't find out about busting-out syndrome until nearing the top of the shirt. I have also had this happen with blazers.

Finally is women's dresses. Unless you have a chest that can fill several large coffee cans, at some point you have encountered a dress that you simply cannot fill out. There is little in this world more embarrassing than having to wear a padded bra or stuff the chest of a prom dress in hopes of filling out a boddess that may have been designed for a Dolly Parton chest.
That's really all. If you got nothing else out of this blog post, just give your chest a stern talking to the next time it decides to act as a crumb shelf. Honestly. Too big when you don't want them, too small when you need them. Who's idea was this, anyway?

Oh, the places you'll go.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Internet, it has been an extremely long, extremely tiring week. I haven't posted much, as you can see. But, now I'm posting this.
This is a video I stole from a friend so I could share it with all of you. I loved it, and it made me feel better in a billion trillion ways. I hope it does the same for you.
I wish you all a beautiful week and a happy tomorrow. Chin up; It's almost Friday.

Honey Badger don't give a [lotsofpunctuationforcensorship]!

I'm sure you guys have all seen the famous honey badger video. If you haven't, I hope you enjoyed your vacation visiting the Patrick Star estate. (Ha, I made a joke about living under a rock and paired it with a Spongebob reference.) If you haven't seen it, now you have.
But, we're not here to talk about honey badgers. We're here to talk about RANDALL.
Randall, Randall, never wears sandals,
Wanted to make a pie.
He picked up his spat'
And put on a hat;
But he got some pie fillin' in his eye. -A limerick about Randall, written by yours truly.


Naturally, there has to be some kind of beautiful face to match that ridiculous narration in that video. And, I assure you, you will not be let down.
READY?


I KNOW. WOW.
It is worth noting that, as I typed the word wow, I paused between each letter to add dramatic effect for you all who are reading it.
I just wanted to share that with you. Here's a video from TMZ, which sounds a little bit like a television advertisement. You're welcome.
TMZ video. Wow.

UnFair Campaign: You can say that again.

I would like to start out by saying that I love everybody equally. I do not dislike anyone because of his race, religion, heritage, clothing, or hair color. Notice that I did not include odor in that list. I do not like unkind smells.
Now that we're on the same page, let's talk about a sensitive topic, especially in my area of the world.

In my city, which fosters three colleges/universities and many a high- and elementary-school, there is a new campaign going on called the Un-Fair Campaign.  You can check it out here. They promote fairness and equality among people and groups of people. This is an excerpt taken from their website:

People of color experience incidents of racism every day, and they have long asked “when will white people in our community stand up and speak out about racism?” This campaign is part of a response to that question. Racial justice will never be achieved until we as white people address white privilege and work to change it.

 This is a great mission, and I absolutely support the idea. But, there is something I don't like about this campaign: their slogans and oppressive billboards. (All photos taken from http://unfaircampaign.org/press-room/media-kit/. I do not own these images.)



There's nothing quite like taking a leisurely drive downtown and being surprised by a huge pair of eyes staring at you from a billboard, explaining that you, a white person, are unable to see racism.
Hang on. Hold the hostility. I understand that the entire goal of the campaign is about helping this area, which is predominantly white (we are in Minnesota, after all,) understand what racism is and identify it so we can politely show it to the door. But, I feel like, if I was going to set up a campaign to try to get people to listen to me and share my views, I wouldn't put down that group in my slogan. "It's hard to see racism when you're white."
I don't like that. I feel offended by it. I can certainly identify racism. I can see when it happens, and I can understand that different minorities are often given less of a chance at bank loans, jobs, and other opportunities. I feel I am not alone in that. (Maybe I am. Who knows.) This slogan feels, to me, like what some people choose to call reverse racism. I prefer to think of it as simply "racism," because, by definition, racism is discrimination or prejudice against an ethnic, religious, or racial group. Or, to be conservative, perhaps we might call this more of a prejudice. Either way, I feel that this slogan is very offensive to white people, indicating that we are so racist that we can't possibly see when racism is happening. Because we all sit on our front porches with shotguns waiting for a person of color to look at us wrong.

I like to just think of this as an opportunity to love everybody just because. Why should we need to single out a particular race or color of people? Why can't we love the white people, too?
Again, I'd like to reiterate that I absolutely support the goals and motives of the UnFair Campaign. I love to love as much as the next person. I just choose to express it in a different way.
I mean no offense by this blog post. I just gotta be heard, ya heard?

And, to lighten the mood and enhance the beginning to your weekend, please enjoy this very wonderful video that I found while watching the BBC.
(Don't be scared away by the a'capella potato singing at the beginning. It's brief.)

I am glue.

I am glue. My pale viscosity fills any container, like a liquid. And yet, when exposed to fresh air, I turn into a dense solid. Neither suits me entirely, but indecision fits me like a glove. Why can I, glue, not be both? Who should make me decide? You, a stone, or you, a water? Both have figured themselves, and each other, out completley. Leave it to a stone to tell glue what to do.

Like a sticky serpent, I latch onto any object I come across. I stick to everything, and attach things to each other. The only object immune to the powerful adhesive is my own bottle, which I splash around inside of like water inside a turtle shell. There is no room for any oher object in my bottle. Any particle that manages to squeeze in is instantly absorbed. I smother it with my soupy dough, but all I wanted was some company.

With my cover left undone, I form a solid seal around the edges, preventing myself from spilling out and infecting my surroundings. I am contagious, like glitter, contaminating anything that so much as thinks about touching me. I consume, I deter, I seal myself in. I am glue.
I am glue.

The perfect place.

Forty-eight hours.
Free of anxiety,
Free of commitments,
Free.
Perhaps, in this place, calories don't count.
And if they do,
So what?
Surrounded by sweet nothing,
Untouchable,
But closer to you
Than I could ever be back home.
This place, I know well
And never appreciated.
The temperature taunted
The miniature mice mocked.
But, above all, you were there.

We made memories
That I recall in this place.
The slippery ledge that almost claimed me
And did claim your brother, for a time.
The nasty nettle
That sliced my legs,
Allowing you to bandage them up.
The old pole,
Leaning with its lonely line,
Waiting to be used again, to be loved again.
I remember making the improvements, too.
The screen to keep the insects away,
The well, saving us money on plastic bottles,
The few pieces of wood,
Preventing gravity from claiming our pillows while we slept.
You are proud of this place
As you should be;
Built with your own hands
By the strength of your back.
And you keep inventing improvements
To encourage her to join you,
To make it more like home.
Stop.
It's perfect.

I only wish I had realized earlier
The magic of this place.
The closeness to nature
That is impossible to reach at home,
And that clear night sky,
Unpolluted,
Framed by the surrounding oaks.
Now, I see.
I understand.
In my youth, I couldn't comprehend
The love you felt for this structure,
For the surrounding area.
It is your kingdom,
And I am the Princess.
At home, I have very little,
And the same in this place.
But, ownership is objective.
No one owns the Earth
Or the sky
Or the oaks
Or the nettle
Or the ledge.
But all of these treasures are in our kingdom,
Given to us by a secret admirer
Like an anonymous note under the desk.
"Here," It says,
"I am for you.
Fret not, Princess.
It's perfect."

Licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets...but not in Japan.

There are some weird things that people do. Usually, I would lump myself in to the group of weird people. But NOT TODAY, Ladies and Gents.
While browsing the internet today, I discovered, by accident, a gallery of Japanese girls licking a variety of doorknobs. Door. Knobs. I'm not going to post a link to any galleries, because they're really weird and you guys have the ability to Google stuff yourself.
I looked up the origins and purpose for this very unusual trend. Of course, when all else fails, assume it's sex. The website I found said, "Doorknobs are one of the most phallic items, especially because they come in many shapes and sizes." The girls in these pictures are fully dressed and are usually surrounded by a group of objects, "leaving the back story to the imagination of the viewer."
Weird, weird, weird.

Now that you know about that, I have one more ridiculous internet item to show you. 
And that's all! To all of you fellow students, I wish you all luck in the new semester. I know I start tomorrow, and I believe a lot of you start tomorrow, too. I also would like to thank you all for checkin' out my blog, and for your beautifulness. (Your beauty is so much more beyond that one word, I had to add two more syllables.)

This is the most ridiculous commercial.

Don't you hate it when a cactus springs up from your airplane seat?
Sorry.  I just saw this and had to share it. It was too ridiculous to keep to myself.

I bet you didn't know January was so exciting.

Good afternoon, Internet.
Today's post is about something I feel very strongly about: silliness.
A friend of mine, whose blog I would link you to if it existed, showed me a very excellent website. It's a database of silly holidays in each month. Here are some of my favorites from January.

Today (Jan 15): Hat Day
Jan 16: National Nothing Day
Jan 21: National Hugging Day
Jan 22: National Answer Your Cat's Question Day
Jan 23: Measure Your Feet Day
Jan 24: Opposite Day (It really exists!)
Jan 27: Punch the Clock Day
Jan 28: National Kazoo Day, Rattle Snake Round-Up Day

It's too bad we didn't find out about this sooner. We missed First Foot Day (Jan 1), Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day (Jan 2), Humiliation Day (Jan 4), Peculiar People Day (Jan 10), National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day (Jan 11), and, worst of all to miss, Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day (Jan 12). Too bad. I would have loved to celebrate fabulous wild men.


If you want to check out the rest of the silly holidays in January or any other month, because I just know you're going to look up your birthday, click here. I hope your birthday is more exciting than mine. (Grey day? Seriously?)

Again, I encourage you to leave some comments. What's your favorite bizarre holiday that you found? What's on your birthday? Your birth month?
Also, I'm considering opening a special area for people who frequent the site and follow the blog. Unfortunately, I have exactly zerio people in my followers box. Sad, isn't it? Would it be worth it for me to add a member's area? Let me know, beautifuls. It'd include fun links, buried treasure, and maybe some big, naked fun. (That's my new wallpaper on my laptop, just FYI.)

I'm kind of a dork. Please excuse me for a moment.

I don't know how many of you beautiful internet people are Harry Potter fans, but I'm going to take a leap of faith and say that there are a fair few of you. I am a huge fan, myself. And that will be the topic of this blog post.
My younger sister, who has not firmly grasped the magic of the books quite yet, and I were discussing which house we would be in if we were to be sorted at Hogwarts. We agreed, moreover, that neither of us wanted to be in Slytherin, but that still left three houses. The only way to decide this, of course, was to take an online quiz and find out. My, how times have changed.
When I was young, I went onto the Harry Potter website, which then looked dramatically different and more innocent than it does today. There was a cute game that was made up of the sorting hat, sitting on a stool, asking questions. The internet user was then to answer the questions and be sorted. Unfortunately, that very cute and fun version of the quiz has been retired. (But, there's still lots of cool stuff on the site, after the big, loud movie trailer goes away.) So, I found another version of the quiz. It is definitely not perfect, because nearly every question and answer gets cut off. But it provided the most detailed and accurate results, I feel. Check it out.
Here are the results I got:

You belong in Ravenclaw.

Quite the intellectual, aren't you? Extremely observant and perceptive, you tend to see things in a light much deeper than most others. You view all sides of an argument and are an excellent debater; knowing so much about the mentalities of your opponents that you can easily figure the exact method to bring them down. Fortunately, you aren't much of a fighter, because your amazing wisdom and maturity enable you to see the frivolity of meaningless conflicts. You take life in stride and aren't easily perturbed by the occasional problem; you are a noble person who rises to the occasion when conflicts arise and can generally be level-headed in the face of disturbance. Though your outward countenance may lead people to perceieve you as cold or arrogant at times, you are truthfully very loving and merely do not see sense in publicizing your emotions, opting instead to come to the aid of those who need your wise guidance. Often more quiet than talkative, you tend to be silent or withdrawn in the face of large crowds- but not necessarily due to shyness or a lack of confidence; you simply prefer to think more than talk and understand that foolish words can easily be destructive. Though you don't devote much attention to your appearance, you are quite likely an extremely attractive individual; an attribute magnified by your careless ignorance of it. You might be extremely wise and knowledgeable in almost every area of life, but one field that can be boggling to any Ravenclaw's mind is the realm of emotions. Not used to indulging your feelings or acting on impulse, you may experience confusion when you feel extreme emotions and can often be quite clueless when it comes to love. Your emotions can be a difficult topic, because you aren't used to unknowns and their instability can catch you off guard. Very eccentric and not particularly caring of the opinion strangers bear of you, you are seldom afraid to voice your opinions and do not hesitate to correct people who are in the wrong, though you may unknowingly at times be harsh in this regard. Overall a very influential person, if you apply your mind to the right causes, there is little you can't accomplish.    
Representative Creature: Eagle
Appearance: Ravenclaws tend to be the most physically attractive people of any house, with magnetizing and beautiful features that quickly draw people in. The most outwardly attractive thing about the members of this house, however, is the mysterious allure that surrounds them- Ravenclaws are extremely enigmatic and their contradictory, hard-to-figure exteriors exemplify this; making them sought-after puzzles that admirers go great lengths to figure out.
Temperament: Due both to their prevailing wisdom and drifting indifference, Ravenclaws seldom find reason to express anger, and will never do so unless sufficiently provoked; often only when their emotional imbalance reaches extreme heights.
Love: Although it can often take them a very long time to decipher emotions and they may be very awkward in expressing it, Ravenclaws inwardly have a lot of love to give and when they are caught, tend to be wonderfully interesting and helpful partners who can guide their beloved through any problem and always keep the relationship interesting.

That is so accurate. I don't even need to put an "About Me" page on this blog anymore. Sweet heaven. Now you all know. No more mystery. Blog's over.
My sister was sorted into Hufflepuff. Hold your chortles. It was really accurate. Hufflepuffs are hardworkers and are genuine and loving. That's something to be admired. Plus, badgers are way cuter than eagles. Also, yellow is a way better color.
One final remark about the sorting process:
If every student who comes into Hogwarts is sorted into one of the four houses, and there is a relatively even distribution between the four, does that mean that the Sorting Hat sometimes just puts students where it decides there is a shortage? Or, perhaps, there is an even representation of each of the four types of people, ambitious, brave, clever, and loyal, in the world at any given time.

So, how many of you will be taking the quiz? And, once you do take it, what house were you sorted into? Does everyone on Earth fit into one of the four house categories? Leave a comment on this post. You can also embed snide comments, witty remarks, and silly suggestions in your comments. I've gotten some very creative emails from you, but those are super hard for me to check because I'm in college and, well, I've got better stuff to do than hop around on the emails that your email responses go to. But, fortunately for you, commenting is easier and not out of either of our way. (ways?)
Also, I'd like to say hey to those of you who are reading from Russia. I know exactly zero Russian, but, obviously, you all know English. So, thanks for visiting!

I am going to break all of your hearts.

I'm sorry about this, Internet, but you just had to know.

I'm sure at least fourteen percent of you have seen Samwell's "What What In The Butt" video. If you haven't, now you have.
Well, this guy's official site says there's a movie coming out. I am not kidding. I hope it's a lie. In the music video, Samwell says the word "butt" over 50 times. (I think it's 54, but I was so hypnotized by the song, I may have lost count.) Just imagine, if you will, the sheer number of butt references in What What (In the Butt): The Movie. It's not set to come out until 2013. So, if the Mayans were right, we'll never see this become a reality.

While I have you already disturbed and afraid to go outside, here's a little extra something to make you cry yourself to sleep. It gets stuck in my head all the time. If it happens to you, resist singing it out loud. Your family will not understand.

A true story: episode 1.

This true story is one that my Uncle Rich told my sister and I when we were only tots.

"Once upon a time, there was a princess named Princess SamBekaRebekahSam. She lived in a castle in Uzbekestan where she lived freely and happily among her subjects.
But, one day, Princess SamBekaRebekahSam was kidnapped. She was taken away to a far away land on the other side of the world, where her kidnappers locked her in a cage that was no bigger than a box of bread. They the box closed with a huge iron lock and threw the key into the St. Louis river, where it was swallowed by a little baby walleye.
That walleye has grown up since then, and the key still lives in its belly. And Princess SamBekaRebekahSam is still trapped in that far away country, locked in the tiny cage. So, whenever you catch a walleye in the St. Louis river, make sure to look in its belly for the key. You never know if you'll be the one to find it and free the princess. And, if you find a small fish that's too tiny to keep, give it a kiss. He'll spread the word and send the key fish your way."

I am really going to miss Philosophy.

Since this semester is officially over, I have officially thrown out all of my notebooks and sold my books. While I was going through my things, though, searching for anything I might miss, I came across a collection of quotes from Professor Ford, my Philosophy professor this semester. He is quite a character, and was my favorite professor that I've had. I've decided that these witty mutterings are too wonderful to keep to myself. Therefore, Internet, I am sharing them with you, hoping that you get at least a small chuckle out of them. Enjoy.

"I would like to begin class today with an instance of extreme cuteness."

"I can prove there are no elephants in this room. I look around, I see no elephants."

"Let's just say that I am a super villain."

"I really didn't mean to make the building tip over..."

"Suppose I actually, in my heart, want to commit arson."

"I may not be able to pace as effectively with a tiger gnawing on my shoulder."

"None of you deserve murdering."

"Being a victim is good for you. It builds character or muscle or something."

"We are assuming that your friend does not routinely commit violent crime."

"Ooh, sorry for the squeaky. Bad chalk. Naughty chalk. No biscut."

"Tripaners like to have holes in their skulls. Yay!"

"Weekly World News headline: Space alien gives birth to two-headed Elvis clone. Is Bigfoot the father?"

"I was hallucinating. It's that darn evil demon."

"That's just the tip of the baked ham."

"Yesh! I exhisht!"

"When you hit it with your knuckles, you instead make a sound: 'Ow, ow, ow, my hand is burning.'"

"We want to know about tables and chairs...and salmon."

"Barber-surgeons: 'It's still cutting!'"

"Wherever you've found some H2O, you've found some water. Congratulations."

"Charlie, I think you just need to go back to the matrix. Just go back to the matrix."

"Tight, pointy shoes."

"Kicking up some dust. Kick kick kick. Make a nice little smoke screen."

"I'm in the hand-hurting-pain state."

"What about robots? Can we say, Pain sub Robot?"

"...And then ET would say, ow, don't cut me."

"I'll show Gertler some spooky."

"Sensory deprivation is NO FUN AT ALL."

"If you're wildly hallucinating, then, of course, none of this makes any sense."

"I would like to show you something fun."

"The Library rotunda has astonishingly comfy chairs."

"No matter what I have said in the past or what I will say in the future, cats are not the same as people."

"That's cheese, that's a cat. Don't eat it."

"I said making up words, but I didn't want to do it myself."

"Turing was a neat guy, but his test failed."

"Why are you calling me names?"

"But, Daddy, if this is a deterministic universe, I could never have done the dishes."

"It seems it's possible for me to do a merry jig."

"Perhaps someone brainwashed me to never merrily jig again."

"If determinism is true, I must have misspoken."

"And here, the verb tenses get even more complicated."

"Suddenly, a coconut comes flying out of the wild blue yonder and hits you in the noodle."

"That makes me all hinkey just thinking about it."

"I bet I scared you all when I sneezed just now!"

"Are you a murderous sort of person?"

"Perhaps you have an unutterable compulsion to steal silly-putty."

"You come to class today, or I'll find you and give you a pinch."