I am really going to miss Philosophy.

Since this semester is officially over, I have officially thrown out all of my notebooks and sold my books. While I was going through my things, though, searching for anything I might miss, I came across a collection of quotes from Professor Ford, my Philosophy professor this semester. He is quite a character, and was my favorite professor that I've had. I've decided that these witty mutterings are too wonderful to keep to myself. Therefore, Internet, I am sharing them with you, hoping that you get at least a small chuckle out of them. Enjoy.

"I would like to begin class today with an instance of extreme cuteness."

"I can prove there are no elephants in this room. I look around, I see no elephants."

"Let's just say that I am a super villain."

"I really didn't mean to make the building tip over..."

"Suppose I actually, in my heart, want to commit arson."

"I may not be able to pace as effectively with a tiger gnawing on my shoulder."

"None of you deserve murdering."

"Being a victim is good for you. It builds character or muscle or something."

"We are assuming that your friend does not routinely commit violent crime."

"Ooh, sorry for the squeaky. Bad chalk. Naughty chalk. No biscut."

"Tripaners like to have holes in their skulls. Yay!"

"Weekly World News headline: Space alien gives birth to two-headed Elvis clone. Is Bigfoot the father?"

"I was hallucinating. It's that darn evil demon."

"That's just the tip of the baked ham."

"Yesh! I exhisht!"

"When you hit it with your knuckles, you instead make a sound: 'Ow, ow, ow, my hand is burning.'"

"We want to know about tables and chairs...and salmon."

"Barber-surgeons: 'It's still cutting!'"

"Wherever you've found some H2O, you've found some water. Congratulations."

"Charlie, I think you just need to go back to the matrix. Just go back to the matrix."

"Tight, pointy shoes."

"Kicking up some dust. Kick kick kick. Make a nice little smoke screen."

"I'm in the hand-hurting-pain state."

"What about robots? Can we say, Pain sub Robot?"

"...And then ET would say, ow, don't cut me."

"I'll show Gertler some spooky."

"Sensory deprivation is NO FUN AT ALL."

"If you're wildly hallucinating, then, of course, none of this makes any sense."

"I would like to show you something fun."

"The Library rotunda has astonishingly comfy chairs."

"No matter what I have said in the past or what I will say in the future, cats are not the same as people."

"That's cheese, that's a cat. Don't eat it."

"I said making up words, but I didn't want to do it myself."

"Turing was a neat guy, but his test failed."

"Why are you calling me names?"

"But, Daddy, if this is a deterministic universe, I could never have done the dishes."

"It seems it's possible for me to do a merry jig."

"Perhaps someone brainwashed me to never merrily jig again."

"If determinism is true, I must have misspoken."

"And here, the verb tenses get even more complicated."

"Suddenly, a coconut comes flying out of the wild blue yonder and hits you in the noodle."

"That makes me all hinkey just thinking about it."

"I bet I scared you all when I sneezed just now!"

"Are you a murderous sort of person?"

"Perhaps you have an unutterable compulsion to steal silly-putty."

"You come to class today, or I'll find you and give you a pinch."