Honey Badger don't give a [lotsofpunctuationforcensorship]!

I'm sure you guys have all seen the famous honey badger video. If you haven't, I hope you enjoyed your vacation visiting the Patrick Star estate. (Ha, I made a joke about living under a rock and paired it with a Spongebob reference.) If you haven't seen it, now you have.
But, we're not here to talk about honey badgers. We're here to talk about RANDALL.
Randall, Randall, never wears sandals,
Wanted to make a pie.
He picked up his spat'
And put on a hat;
But he got some pie fillin' in his eye. -A limerick about Randall, written by yours truly.


Naturally, there has to be some kind of beautiful face to match that ridiculous narration in that video. And, I assure you, you will not be let down.
READY?


I KNOW. WOW.
It is worth noting that, as I typed the word wow, I paused between each letter to add dramatic effect for you all who are reading it.
I just wanted to share that with you. Here's a video from TMZ, which sounds a little bit like a television advertisement. You're welcome.
TMZ video. Wow.

UnFair Campaign: You can say that again.

I would like to start out by saying that I love everybody equally. I do not dislike anyone because of his race, religion, heritage, clothing, or hair color. Notice that I did not include odor in that list. I do not like unkind smells.
Now that we're on the same page, let's talk about a sensitive topic, especially in my area of the world.

In my city, which fosters three colleges/universities and many a high- and elementary-school, there is a new campaign going on called the Un-Fair Campaign.  You can check it out here. They promote fairness and equality among people and groups of people. This is an excerpt taken from their website:

People of color experience incidents of racism every day, and they have long asked “when will white people in our community stand up and speak out about racism?” This campaign is part of a response to that question. Racial justice will never be achieved until we as white people address white privilege and work to change it.

 This is a great mission, and I absolutely support the idea. But, there is something I don't like about this campaign: their slogans and oppressive billboards. (All photos taken from http://unfaircampaign.org/press-room/media-kit/. I do not own these images.)



There's nothing quite like taking a leisurely drive downtown and being surprised by a huge pair of eyes staring at you from a billboard, explaining that you, a white person, are unable to see racism.
Hang on. Hold the hostility. I understand that the entire goal of the campaign is about helping this area, which is predominantly white (we are in Minnesota, after all,) understand what racism is and identify it so we can politely show it to the door. But, I feel like, if I was going to set up a campaign to try to get people to listen to me and share my views, I wouldn't put down that group in my slogan. "It's hard to see racism when you're white."
I don't like that. I feel offended by it. I can certainly identify racism. I can see when it happens, and I can understand that different minorities are often given less of a chance at bank loans, jobs, and other opportunities. I feel I am not alone in that. (Maybe I am. Who knows.) This slogan feels, to me, like what some people choose to call reverse racism. I prefer to think of it as simply "racism," because, by definition, racism is discrimination or prejudice against an ethnic, religious, or racial group. Or, to be conservative, perhaps we might call this more of a prejudice. Either way, I feel that this slogan is very offensive to white people, indicating that we are so racist that we can't possibly see when racism is happening. Because we all sit on our front porches with shotguns waiting for a person of color to look at us wrong.

I like to just think of this as an opportunity to love everybody just because. Why should we need to single out a particular race or color of people? Why can't we love the white people, too?
Again, I'd like to reiterate that I absolutely support the goals and motives of the UnFair Campaign. I love to love as much as the next person. I just choose to express it in a different way.
I mean no offense by this blog post. I just gotta be heard, ya heard?

And, to lighten the mood and enhance the beginning to your weekend, please enjoy this very wonderful video that I found while watching the BBC.
(Don't be scared away by the a'capella potato singing at the beginning. It's brief.)

I am glue.

I am glue. My pale viscosity fills any container, like a liquid. And yet, when exposed to fresh air, I turn into a dense solid. Neither suits me entirely, but indecision fits me like a glove. Why can I, glue, not be both? Who should make me decide? You, a stone, or you, a water? Both have figured themselves, and each other, out completley. Leave it to a stone to tell glue what to do.

Like a sticky serpent, I latch onto any object I come across. I stick to everything, and attach things to each other. The only object immune to the powerful adhesive is my own bottle, which I splash around inside of like water inside a turtle shell. There is no room for any oher object in my bottle. Any particle that manages to squeeze in is instantly absorbed. I smother it with my soupy dough, but all I wanted was some company.

With my cover left undone, I form a solid seal around the edges, preventing myself from spilling out and infecting my surroundings. I am contagious, like glitter, contaminating anything that so much as thinks about touching me. I consume, I deter, I seal myself in. I am glue.
I am glue.

The perfect place.

Forty-eight hours.
Free of anxiety,
Free of commitments,
Free.
Perhaps, in this place, calories don't count.
And if they do,
So what?
Surrounded by sweet nothing,
Untouchable,
But closer to you
Than I could ever be back home.
This place, I know well
And never appreciated.
The temperature taunted
The miniature mice mocked.
But, above all, you were there.

We made memories
That I recall in this place.
The slippery ledge that almost claimed me
And did claim your brother, for a time.
The nasty nettle
That sliced my legs,
Allowing you to bandage them up.
The old pole,
Leaning with its lonely line,
Waiting to be used again, to be loved again.
I remember making the improvements, too.
The screen to keep the insects away,
The well, saving us money on plastic bottles,
The few pieces of wood,
Preventing gravity from claiming our pillows while we slept.
You are proud of this place
As you should be;
Built with your own hands
By the strength of your back.
And you keep inventing improvements
To encourage her to join you,
To make it more like home.
Stop.
It's perfect.

I only wish I had realized earlier
The magic of this place.
The closeness to nature
That is impossible to reach at home,
And that clear night sky,
Unpolluted,
Framed by the surrounding oaks.
Now, I see.
I understand.
In my youth, I couldn't comprehend
The love you felt for this structure,
For the surrounding area.
It is your kingdom,
And I am the Princess.
At home, I have very little,
And the same in this place.
But, ownership is objective.
No one owns the Earth
Or the sky
Or the oaks
Or the nettle
Or the ledge.
But all of these treasures are in our kingdom,
Given to us by a secret admirer
Like an anonymous note under the desk.
"Here," It says,
"I am for you.
Fret not, Princess.
It's perfect."

Licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets...but not in Japan.

There are some weird things that people do. Usually, I would lump myself in to the group of weird people. But NOT TODAY, Ladies and Gents.
While browsing the internet today, I discovered, by accident, a gallery of Japanese girls licking a variety of doorknobs. Door. Knobs. I'm not going to post a link to any galleries, because they're really weird and you guys have the ability to Google stuff yourself.
I looked up the origins and purpose for this very unusual trend. Of course, when all else fails, assume it's sex. The website I found said, "Doorknobs are one of the most phallic items, especially because they come in many shapes and sizes." The girls in these pictures are fully dressed and are usually surrounded by a group of objects, "leaving the back story to the imagination of the viewer."
Weird, weird, weird.

Now that you know about that, I have one more ridiculous internet item to show you. 
And that's all! To all of you fellow students, I wish you all luck in the new semester. I know I start tomorrow, and I believe a lot of you start tomorrow, too. I also would like to thank you all for checkin' out my blog, and for your beautifulness. (Your beauty is so much more beyond that one word, I had to add two more syllables.)

This is the most ridiculous commercial.

Don't you hate it when a cactus springs up from your airplane seat?
Sorry.  I just saw this and had to share it. It was too ridiculous to keep to myself.

I bet you didn't know January was so exciting.

Good afternoon, Internet.
Today's post is about something I feel very strongly about: silliness.
A friend of mine, whose blog I would link you to if it existed, showed me a very excellent website. It's a database of silly holidays in each month. Here are some of my favorites from January.

Today (Jan 15): Hat Day
Jan 16: National Nothing Day
Jan 21: National Hugging Day
Jan 22: National Answer Your Cat's Question Day
Jan 23: Measure Your Feet Day
Jan 24: Opposite Day (It really exists!)
Jan 27: Punch the Clock Day
Jan 28: National Kazoo Day, Rattle Snake Round-Up Day

It's too bad we didn't find out about this sooner. We missed First Foot Day (Jan 1), Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day (Jan 2), Humiliation Day (Jan 4), Peculiar People Day (Jan 10), National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day (Jan 11), and, worst of all to miss, Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day (Jan 12). Too bad. I would have loved to celebrate fabulous wild men.


If you want to check out the rest of the silly holidays in January or any other month, because I just know you're going to look up your birthday, click here. I hope your birthday is more exciting than mine. (Grey day? Seriously?)

Again, I encourage you to leave some comments. What's your favorite bizarre holiday that you found? What's on your birthday? Your birth month?
Also, I'm considering opening a special area for people who frequent the site and follow the blog. Unfortunately, I have exactly zerio people in my followers box. Sad, isn't it? Would it be worth it for me to add a member's area? Let me know, beautifuls. It'd include fun links, buried treasure, and maybe some big, naked fun. (That's my new wallpaper on my laptop, just FYI.)

I'm kind of a dork. Please excuse me for a moment.

I don't know how many of you beautiful internet people are Harry Potter fans, but I'm going to take a leap of faith and say that there are a fair few of you. I am a huge fan, myself. And that will be the topic of this blog post.
My younger sister, who has not firmly grasped the magic of the books quite yet, and I were discussing which house we would be in if we were to be sorted at Hogwarts. We agreed, moreover, that neither of us wanted to be in Slytherin, but that still left three houses. The only way to decide this, of course, was to take an online quiz and find out. My, how times have changed.
When I was young, I went onto the Harry Potter website, which then looked dramatically different and more innocent than it does today. There was a cute game that was made up of the sorting hat, sitting on a stool, asking questions. The internet user was then to answer the questions and be sorted. Unfortunately, that very cute and fun version of the quiz has been retired. (But, there's still lots of cool stuff on the site, after the big, loud movie trailer goes away.) So, I found another version of the quiz. It is definitely not perfect, because nearly every question and answer gets cut off. But it provided the most detailed and accurate results, I feel. Check it out.
Here are the results I got:

You belong in Ravenclaw.

Quite the intellectual, aren't you? Extremely observant and perceptive, you tend to see things in a light much deeper than most others. You view all sides of an argument and are an excellent debater; knowing so much about the mentalities of your opponents that you can easily figure the exact method to bring them down. Fortunately, you aren't much of a fighter, because your amazing wisdom and maturity enable you to see the frivolity of meaningless conflicts. You take life in stride and aren't easily perturbed by the occasional problem; you are a noble person who rises to the occasion when conflicts arise and can generally be level-headed in the face of disturbance. Though your outward countenance may lead people to perceieve you as cold or arrogant at times, you are truthfully very loving and merely do not see sense in publicizing your emotions, opting instead to come to the aid of those who need your wise guidance. Often more quiet than talkative, you tend to be silent or withdrawn in the face of large crowds- but not necessarily due to shyness or a lack of confidence; you simply prefer to think more than talk and understand that foolish words can easily be destructive. Though you don't devote much attention to your appearance, you are quite likely an extremely attractive individual; an attribute magnified by your careless ignorance of it. You might be extremely wise and knowledgeable in almost every area of life, but one field that can be boggling to any Ravenclaw's mind is the realm of emotions. Not used to indulging your feelings or acting on impulse, you may experience confusion when you feel extreme emotions and can often be quite clueless when it comes to love. Your emotions can be a difficult topic, because you aren't used to unknowns and their instability can catch you off guard. Very eccentric and not particularly caring of the opinion strangers bear of you, you are seldom afraid to voice your opinions and do not hesitate to correct people who are in the wrong, though you may unknowingly at times be harsh in this regard. Overall a very influential person, if you apply your mind to the right causes, there is little you can't accomplish.    
Representative Creature: Eagle
Appearance: Ravenclaws tend to be the most physically attractive people of any house, with magnetizing and beautiful features that quickly draw people in. The most outwardly attractive thing about the members of this house, however, is the mysterious allure that surrounds them- Ravenclaws are extremely enigmatic and their contradictory, hard-to-figure exteriors exemplify this; making them sought-after puzzles that admirers go great lengths to figure out.
Temperament: Due both to their prevailing wisdom and drifting indifference, Ravenclaws seldom find reason to express anger, and will never do so unless sufficiently provoked; often only when their emotional imbalance reaches extreme heights.
Love: Although it can often take them a very long time to decipher emotions and they may be very awkward in expressing it, Ravenclaws inwardly have a lot of love to give and when they are caught, tend to be wonderfully interesting and helpful partners who can guide their beloved through any problem and always keep the relationship interesting.

That is so accurate. I don't even need to put an "About Me" page on this blog anymore. Sweet heaven. Now you all know. No more mystery. Blog's over.
My sister was sorted into Hufflepuff. Hold your chortles. It was really accurate. Hufflepuffs are hardworkers and are genuine and loving. That's something to be admired. Plus, badgers are way cuter than eagles. Also, yellow is a way better color.
One final remark about the sorting process:
If every student who comes into Hogwarts is sorted into one of the four houses, and there is a relatively even distribution between the four, does that mean that the Sorting Hat sometimes just puts students where it decides there is a shortage? Or, perhaps, there is an even representation of each of the four types of people, ambitious, brave, clever, and loyal, in the world at any given time.

So, how many of you will be taking the quiz? And, once you do take it, what house were you sorted into? Does everyone on Earth fit into one of the four house categories? Leave a comment on this post. You can also embed snide comments, witty remarks, and silly suggestions in your comments. I've gotten some very creative emails from you, but those are super hard for me to check because I'm in college and, well, I've got better stuff to do than hop around on the emails that your email responses go to. But, fortunately for you, commenting is easier and not out of either of our way. (ways?)
Also, I'd like to say hey to those of you who are reading from Russia. I know exactly zero Russian, but, obviously, you all know English. So, thanks for visiting!

I am going to break all of your hearts.

I'm sorry about this, Internet, but you just had to know.

I'm sure at least fourteen percent of you have seen Samwell's "What What In The Butt" video. If you haven't, now you have.
Well, this guy's official site says there's a movie coming out. I am not kidding. I hope it's a lie. In the music video, Samwell says the word "butt" over 50 times. (I think it's 54, but I was so hypnotized by the song, I may have lost count.) Just imagine, if you will, the sheer number of butt references in What What (In the Butt): The Movie. It's not set to come out until 2013. So, if the Mayans were right, we'll never see this become a reality.

While I have you already disturbed and afraid to go outside, here's a little extra something to make you cry yourself to sleep. It gets stuck in my head all the time. If it happens to you, resist singing it out loud. Your family will not understand.

A true story: episode 1.

This true story is one that my Uncle Rich told my sister and I when we were only tots.

"Once upon a time, there was a princess named Princess SamBekaRebekahSam. She lived in a castle in Uzbekestan where she lived freely and happily among her subjects.
But, one day, Princess SamBekaRebekahSam was kidnapped. She was taken away to a far away land on the other side of the world, where her kidnappers locked her in a cage that was no bigger than a box of bread. They the box closed with a huge iron lock and threw the key into the St. Louis river, where it was swallowed by a little baby walleye.
That walleye has grown up since then, and the key still lives in its belly. And Princess SamBekaRebekahSam is still trapped in that far away country, locked in the tiny cage. So, whenever you catch a walleye in the St. Louis river, make sure to look in its belly for the key. You never know if you'll be the one to find it and free the princess. And, if you find a small fish that's too tiny to keep, give it a kiss. He'll spread the word and send the key fish your way."

I am really going to miss Philosophy.

Since this semester is officially over, I have officially thrown out all of my notebooks and sold my books. While I was going through my things, though, searching for anything I might miss, I came across a collection of quotes from Professor Ford, my Philosophy professor this semester. He is quite a character, and was my favorite professor that I've had. I've decided that these witty mutterings are too wonderful to keep to myself. Therefore, Internet, I am sharing them with you, hoping that you get at least a small chuckle out of them. Enjoy.

"I would like to begin class today with an instance of extreme cuteness."

"I can prove there are no elephants in this room. I look around, I see no elephants."

"Let's just say that I am a super villain."

"I really didn't mean to make the building tip over..."

"Suppose I actually, in my heart, want to commit arson."

"I may not be able to pace as effectively with a tiger gnawing on my shoulder."

"None of you deserve murdering."

"Being a victim is good for you. It builds character or muscle or something."

"We are assuming that your friend does not routinely commit violent crime."

"Ooh, sorry for the squeaky. Bad chalk. Naughty chalk. No biscut."

"Tripaners like to have holes in their skulls. Yay!"

"Weekly World News headline: Space alien gives birth to two-headed Elvis clone. Is Bigfoot the father?"

"I was hallucinating. It's that darn evil demon."

"That's just the tip of the baked ham."

"Yesh! I exhisht!"

"When you hit it with your knuckles, you instead make a sound: 'Ow, ow, ow, my hand is burning.'"

"We want to know about tables and chairs...and salmon."

"Barber-surgeons: 'It's still cutting!'"

"Wherever you've found some H2O, you've found some water. Congratulations."

"Charlie, I think you just need to go back to the matrix. Just go back to the matrix."

"Tight, pointy shoes."

"Kicking up some dust. Kick kick kick. Make a nice little smoke screen."

"I'm in the hand-hurting-pain state."

"What about robots? Can we say, Pain sub Robot?"

"...And then ET would say, ow, don't cut me."

"I'll show Gertler some spooky."

"Sensory deprivation is NO FUN AT ALL."

"If you're wildly hallucinating, then, of course, none of this makes any sense."

"I would like to show you something fun."

"The Library rotunda has astonishingly comfy chairs."

"No matter what I have said in the past or what I will say in the future, cats are not the same as people."

"That's cheese, that's a cat. Don't eat it."

"I said making up words, but I didn't want to do it myself."

"Turing was a neat guy, but his test failed."

"Why are you calling me names?"

"But, Daddy, if this is a deterministic universe, I could never have done the dishes."

"It seems it's possible for me to do a merry jig."

"Perhaps someone brainwashed me to never merrily jig again."

"If determinism is true, I must have misspoken."

"And here, the verb tenses get even more complicated."

"Suddenly, a coconut comes flying out of the wild blue yonder and hits you in the noodle."

"That makes me all hinkey just thinking about it."

"I bet I scared you all when I sneezed just now!"

"Are you a murderous sort of person?"

"Perhaps you have an unutterable compulsion to steal silly-putty."

"You come to class today, or I'll find you and give you a pinch."